~Finding Jen~

All my life I had been looking for something and everywhere I turned, someone tried to tell me what it was… 

I was naïve…

I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I could answer.

It took me a long time to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with...

That I am nobody but myself

~Ralph Ellison

~Finding Jen~

On any journey, we must find out where we are, before we plan the first step…

So, here I am ~ my whole life awaits me...

I have the opportunity to do, to be, to go wherever I please. And, experience whatever I wish to experience - unrestricted and on my time frame.

It’s a tough beginning, when you think about it too big… Baby steps Jen ~ you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time… But, the truth is that pacing me has never been one of my strong points. I tend to run at everything (even the walls), full steam ahead and usually with no helmet~

I suppose, when we start, we must find a beginning... That’s the hardest part. Like writing a book… If you can get started, you can run with it and eventually get to an ending. It’s the “start” that I think is the hardest part. Starting to “Live,” may be just as hard and confusing. Everybody could write a book, if they could just get started. Everybody could start to “live,” if they would just start.

So, I choose to start here…

 

Life is now in session:

Are you present?

It’s an interesting phrase to read. It’s an interesting subject to think about. It’s an interesting statement to ponder on…

Am I present?

Honestly, I don’t think I have been for a long time. I’ve just been going with it ~ just trolling through a routine, like most of us do. I can’t say there’s been a second in my life where I’ve actually taken a moment of time to check, or to ask myself if I am present…

“The world is in the condition it’s in because the world is full of sleepwalkers.”

~ Neale Donald Walsch – Conversations with God, Book 1

The world is full of sleepwalkers and I have been one of them for most of my life...

I choose now, at this moment, right this second, to be present in life. From this instant and forward, I will make a conscious effort to know what I am doing. I will be in full faculty over my mind, my body and my senses. I choose right now, not to be a “sleepwalker” just trolling through a routine. I will create my life around what I want. My hopes, my wishes and my dreams and I will be present, while life is in session…

I’m making a promise to myself right now that my job is me and only me. When I am working in harmony with myself, no-one can come between me and my reality. I choose to focus on creating what I want and being “present” in its formation, conception and making. I won’t let anyone get in the way of my transformation. I am going to begin living. And, in case I can’t “find Jen”…

I intend to create her~!

 

The Knots Prayer

Dear God,
please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots, and
might nots that find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind
my heart and my life all of the am nots
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.

Amen~

(Author known to God…)

~Rising Upward ~ Into a Different Person…~

I am ready to take this step. I know my world isn’t working as it should and I know I am imbalanced… I have made a conscious decision to move forward, to create me, right now. ~ To “balance me”…

So, what now?

Well, I know where I’ve been and I’m doing my best to figure out where I want to go. It’s a process and with process’ you need to have a game plan. I was told a few weeks ago that, “I’m a woman with vision, but never a plan…”

Perhaps, I work best with just a vision. Maybe, a plan might rope me down?

At this moment, I’m going to just go with it. I’m going to invest some time each day figuring out my feelings and what I want to turn myself into. It might not end with a game plan, or a plan of attack, but it will always have a vision. Vision is my imagination in action. If I envision who I want to be, I will have the power to create her~!

The vision that you glorify in your mind, the ideal that you enthrone in your heart, this you will build your life by, and this you will become. 
- Anonymous

I intend to move forward with a distinct vision in my mind of who I want to be and always move in that direction. It’s keeping that “positive” image that I know will be the difficult part.

So often in life, we beat ourselves up; we treat ourselves with such negativity... I think it’s because we tend to blame ourselves for our circumstances and hammer ourselves for our failures. We create a negative self-image in our mind and we keep reaching down to it. We spend a lot of time looking at ourselves negatively. I think we do this because it’s the easy road to take for some of us. Without actually thinking about “how we got where we are,” and facing it. How can we change our self-perception, if we’re too busy blaming ourselves for everything?

I have to take some time and work my way through “Why I blame me,” before I can change me… And this is what I’ve been doing…

If I blame me, nobody’s ‘feel-bads’ get hurt…

If I blame me, nobody ends up in my line of fire...

If I blame me, nobody else has to take responsibility for their own actions and then ‘they’ always feel good…

If I blame me, I won’t ever have to blame anybody else and I won’t hurt anybody…

The people that surround me live ‘self-centered’ lives. That’s another reason I blame me… They’re too busy worrying about them and nothing is ever their fault. When I need to lay the blame, I’m the only person present, because they’re so worried about themselves, so I blame me… That gives them an open door to blame me too and then the cycle just continues…

If I blame me, the people I love won’t feel shame for their own mistakes… It’s easier for me to feel bad about me, then to see them feel shame for something they have done…

I’m more forgiving of others than I am myself…

I always seem to look at a difficulty one way. That it’s somehow my fault…

I’m not sure if this is a type of depression I’ve been living in, with depression equaling  “It’s Me,” and “Something has to be wrong with me” feelings, or if it has been engrained in me somehow through my life? I suspect a little of both...

If I always blame me, I don’t hurt anybody else. But, by always blaming me, I hurt me. It takes some understanding to come to that epiphany. That kind of insight doesn’t happen overnight… I know now that making someone you care about feel ‘less than’ never produces future happiness. For my whole life, I have been making myself feel ‘less than’ and happiness has eluded me for just as long…

I had to be brave enough to ask myself the question before I could try to find an answer. But I also had to face the fact that I always blame me, before I could move forward…

Why do I always blame me?

Because blaming ‘me,’ always gives ‘me,’ someone to blame…

If I were to blame someone else, what if the circumstances changed and it wasn’t actually that person that caused that feeling. That would be exhausting ~ always searching for someone new to blame... I know people that do this. It wastes as much effort and time in life as always blaming yourself… Some people get stuck in the pit of never taking any kind of responsibility for anything. They are really good at surrounding themselves with people that will take the blame for them too. But then, there are people like me who get stuck in the habit of taking responsibility for it all and we surround ourselves with people who like to send blame to us....

Up until this point in life, I would go straight to the mirror, look myself dead in the eye and actually treat myself like I’m beneath myself, by taking the blame. I would exert the physical energy to walk to the mirror to do this… Now that takes motivation~

What a complete waste of my time and energy. What a strange thing to do. That is not me loving me, or caring for me... That’s precious time in my life I’ll never get back, so I’m not wasting anymore time doing this…I think that’s been my problem up to this point.  It’s very easy to blame me, but I’m tired of me always blaming me ~ it’s emotionally draining…

“Who You Are…”

[Verse 1:]
I stare at my reflection in the mirror...
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf...
"No, no, no, no... "
[Chorus:]
Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
[Verse 2:]
Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah~
The more I try the less it's working
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
'Cause everything inside me screams, "no, no, no, no... "

[Chorus:]
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

[Bridge:]
Yes,  most egos, fake shows like whoa…
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight
With a smile, that's my home
That's my home, no
"No, no, no, no... "

[Chorus:]
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
 ~JESSIE J LYRICS

I have kept a towel over my favorite mirror, for 5 days now. I’ve done this to ensure I won’t go in there and be mean to myself. I know, it’s odd behavior, but it’s something I had to do. I had to “take a break” from myself and my destructive habits if I was going to change…

See, it’s amazing how I have the ability to beat myself into a tiny speck of something non-important. I’m really good at that. It’s baffling right now how I could do this for years and years and not realize how destructive it is to me. Another ‘complacent’ affliction I had... This was my feeling of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. I’m clueless what outcome I was seeking with this behavior, but it wasn’t positive.

Blaming myself was my easy road to travel. It was my 4 lane paved interstate and I have been traveling it really fast for a long, long time…

I’m conscious now that this has been my pattern. This is why I’m seeking a change.

We all have habits that we don’t even think about. Now that I’m consciously thinking about it though, I need to find a tactic that focuses on solutions, not blame…

Now you know the importance of the “Knots Prayer”… This is me, right now. This is my prayer each morning for me. Especially, to remove the feeling that I am not good enough, because now, I know I am. I am very important to me and this ‘process’ is all about me…

I removed the towel from my favorite destructive mirror this morning. Instead of a blocked mirror, with The Knots Prayer pinned to the center of the towel, I have a beautiful, clean, reflection of myself today.  The Knots Prayer is now taped to the side, out of the way of my view, but still visible when I need it. And still there to remind me not to fade back into my previous habit…

The vision I have laid out in my mind and the vision that I want for me, is attainable…

It’s simple really…

It’s just to be content and happy with me and everything else will fall magically into place…

If you aren’t good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you’ll regret the time and energy you give another person that you aren’t even giving to yourself…

~Barbara De Angelis

A person has to want to attain something bad enough and then it will become their destiny, but only if they identify and get out of the way of their destructive habits. I am stepping the old me aside, to let the new me pass by… I am creating contentment and happiness. The feeling of “not being good enough” is not allowed in me anymore. It’s being removed from my life right now…

I am good enough~!

Only as high as I reach can I grow…

Only as far as I seek can I go…

Only as deep as I look can I see…

Only as much as I dream can I be…

~Karen Ravn

Every time you praise something, every time you appreciate something, every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe, more of this please, more of this please, more of this please…

~Esther and Jerry Hicks

Every time I praise myself, every time I appreciate myself, every time I feel good about myself, I am telling the Universe, more of this please, more of this please, more of this please… To get past the feeling of not being good enough, I am going to lavish myself with positive reinforcement. I am going to praise me, appreciate me, and feel good about me, so the Universe will provide more positive reinforcement and more positive reinforcement and more positive reinforcement for me...
I’m going to be doing a lot of lovin’ on me. And, I’m taking this moment, right now to acknowledge the fact that I appreciate me. I love me. I like being me. And, I’m rolling with this newly found, good feeling.

I have been sleepwalking through life too long...

I have until this moment allowed everybody around me to dictate my direction by their needs and wants.

Right now, it’s about my needs and wants.

I need to change me and I want to change me ~

to the person I WANT to be…

To a better me….

To a happier and more positive me…

I am going to do it~

 

Adversity…

Strange to jump from this vision of the new me, back to something like adversity, but as I said in the preface, I tend to run at everything (even the walls), full steam ahead and usually with no helmet when it involves me~

This is just me stepping back and pacing myself. Gaining some prospective & reminding myself to take it one step at a time…

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow—

You may succeed with another blow,

Success is failure turned inside out—

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

~ Unknown

~Without Adversity, 

I think we grow Complacent…~

Complacent = Contented to a fault, self-satisfied and unconcerned. Snug as a bug in a rug…

I cannot recall a time in my life I've ever been complacent in a positive way...

I have been complacent with my feelings of self dissatisfaction, my personal situations and my feelings of failure. Yes, I have been complacent with the negative perception of me.. I think that with too much adversity we can grow complacent. Sometimes, we become so surrounded by misfortune, or affliction, that we create a life of hardship and struggle. I’m starting to understand that what thoughts fill my mind, create my reality… We can sure get high centered for years and years and stuck in our situations ~ bad, or good. It is strange how a human can just sleepwalk, blindly, day to day through life…

If we sit by and become complacent and just put our heads in the sand, we become complicit and find ourselves involved in wrong doing. My wrong doing has been my self perception, up until now – You realize this, when you start paying attention~!

For a long time now, I have been involved in the act of self-loathing, which can become a very ‘complacent’ act… It baffles me how I missed this for so many years. I just existed day to day with never a thought about how I was making me feel... It just became a really bad habit. It became my daily pattern to blame me, to beat myself up, to make myself the cause of every issue that entered my life and I was as snug as a bug in a rug with it.

Right now, that scares the hell out of me~!!!

When you start to wake up though, if you want to, a life with constant distress and catastrophe can push us out of our boxes, if we’re paying attention. Adversity can create new perspectives, if we don’t become too complacent... It can shatter our patterns of rigid behavior and adversity has been the catalyst to finally awaken me from my sleepwalking slumber…

All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

~ Walt Disney

I’m not going to need adversity for my wake up call any longer. I’m going to pause, to breathe and to pay attention to the warning signs coming, before adversity strikes. I know my life will have calamitous events -from time to time- and periods of affliction. There will be hardship and misfortune, but I will not become complacent to them and I refuse to let them control me. I intend to stop living in a state of constant distress.

It only takes one person to change my life and that person is “Me” ~

Einstein once observed that, 
“Nothing happens until something moves”…

I am moving away from the negativity I have allowed control of my life. I am surrounding myself with “well-being”. From now on, when I think a thought of who I really am, I’m going to pay attention to how it makes me feel... I will ensure it brings me joy and love ~ a sense of well-being and a positive harmony within...

I’m also going to consciously monitor what I dwell on subconsciously and change my thoughts quickly, if I allow a feeling that will damage me… I will pay better attention to what I’m thinking and if it causes me depression, fear, any kind of self-blaming, or a feeling of being controlled, I will change direction. I am going to actively participate in my “emotional guidance system” from today forward. This is how I will begin to change me... 

This is how I will create "The new me"~!

It won’t be about controlling my thoughts, I think I must have millions of thoughts a day and that would take a lot of energy. This will be about guiding my thoughts consciously… This could be a plan of action, but I’m still going to stick with a vision – a vision is something I can see in my mind. A plan seems to need a blueprint, or something written on paper.

Perhaps, by the end of this, I will have a plan ~ 
We shall see…

Hell… is the experience of the worst possible outcomes of your choices, decisions, and creations… It is the pain you suffer through wrong thinking. It is the opposite of joy. It is un-fulfillment. It is knowing Who and What You Are, and failing to experience that. It is being less. That is hell and there is none greater for your soul. All that it takes to get out of hell ~ to get out of not knowing ~ is to know again…

~Neale Donald Walsh – Conversations with God – Book 1

~The point is to find yourself… 

Not to lose yourself forever…~

Anyone can give up. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But, to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength…

I took a “Mid-Life Crisis Road Trip”…

I think they’re healthy when you get to “Mid-Life…

Of course, that depends upon what kind of a road trip you take, so pay attention to the map, because it could start out ‘off-course’ and for stupid reasons~! It could start out with good intentions and ‘end badly,’ or it could just be a trip with no plan. You decide the course you take, so start out with some kind of “Self Control” and "Destination Plan"...

This “Mid-Life Crisis Road Trip” I went on started for all the wrong reasons, but ended before it became a personal disaster and I hurt myself. Thank the heavens above I roped my wild personality in. I just don’t know what I was thinking?

Looking back on it now, I WASN’T THINKING ~ that’s how a calamity starts…

I can admit it now, in reflection – I couldn’t have admitted it at the time I ‘took the trip.’ I was ‘out of control’ of myself. I was in such a big hurry ‘to change me’ that I nearly ‘lost me’. I can honestly admit now, nearly 2 years later, that I was on a ‘Road Trip” of self destruction that had all of the possibilities of ending in an accident, with thoughts of suicide plaguing my mind. I was driving fast down that 4-lane highway of self destruction and my brakes were smoking hot… 

After the first night on this ‘Highway to Hell" trip I was speeding down, I walked the keys downstairs to the front desk of the motel I stayed at.  I was also in search of some coffee. I am a coffee junkie, I admit it. I drink coffee for the world’s protection & to give me the energy to move about, even if it's energy needed to for negative purposes…

I set the room keys on the front desk and went into the little conference hall where they were serving breakfast. I got a big cup of coffee. The room was packed with people and my “maximum people capacity alarm,” was breached immediately… I wanted to race to an exit with my steaming hot cup of fresh java. I was in 'full speed ahead' mode anyway, so why not add a set of sharp scissors to the other hand and see if I could trip!

See, with things from my past, I've developed a “maximum people capacity alarm.” If it’s too noisy, I can’t hear something coming from behind. If there’s too many people, I get anxious, a fear washes over me. It’s like I expect somebody to do something to hurt me, but I know it’s just a demon that lives inside my psyche and I have learned over time to control it, or I would be running away all the time.

There’s a reason for it and I've accepted that reason. But, I’m not ready to go into that yet… My “maximum people capacity alarm,” is just a part of me. I have learned to accept it as a part of me and it’s a part of me that makes me, who I am. But, it's also one of the reasons I'm distant from people. It's a 'brick wall' to try to get past if you're new in my life. I'll find a fix for it someday, but right now, It's a part of me that might keep a part of me safe from me. Makes no sense, I know, just trust me on the evaluation...

In my panic, I  paused for a split second to try to get ahold of myself and I noticed an older lady, all alone at a table in the far corner. She didn't look too well and I was drawn to her. My ‘nurturing / tender hearted senses’ were at full capacity, even over-riding my ‘maximum people capacity alarm.’

Something in me made me navigate the screaming children and noisy tourists and I meandered to the far side of the room. I asked her if I could sit with her for a minute. She looked up at me with red, teary eyes and quietly said “yes.” I put my hand on her arm and asked her if she was ok... She wasn’t. I knew it before I asked. But, if she needed a shoulder, it was by her choice, I wouldn’t impose myself. 

She told me that she had flown in from Boston 3 days prior to see her sister for the last time. Her sister had colon cancer and had passed away that morning and this lonely, heartsick stranger was feeling pretty alone. We had a good conversation for about an hour about life and endings and just random things. We ended our visit with a big hug and a prayer that she made it back to Boston safely. When I left the motel, she was smiling, standing at the front door and looked more at peace. She gave me a big wave as I was pulling out of the parking lot. My heart felt stronger for being there for her to lean on, if only for a brief moment. She needed me at that place and time and it must have been part of a greater plan to put me in that spot, at that moment, just for her…

This chance meeting re-directed my thought process' to the fact that maybe I had some importance on this rock. Why do strangers always notice what a great person I am, but the people I know take such advantage? This meeting with sweet lady made me pause from my high speed, one directional plan and caused me to take a breathe and start a different way of thinking... I wish I knew who she was. I would write her a letter now and thank you for saving me from myself. 

On this day, the Universe put an angel in my path to slow me down. To make me think about life. Someone upstairs got a hold of me whereby, I was so out of control. Whomever, or whatever was guiding this divine intervention started giving me clues, as to the direction I should take. It wasn't me directing the steps of this road trip. I wasn't in control at all. It was something greater than me that took control. 

I meandered downtown to the little grocery store. I got a few things and some ice for my cooler. I still wasn’t sure what direction I was going, but I knew I wasn’t ready to go back the way I had come... 

As I was checking out, the cashier asked me where I was headed. I’m not sure what came over me, but I blurted out, “Oh, me and my mid-life crisis are not sure yet”… She laughed… She told me she had been on a few of those kind of 'Road Trips' too. She walked over to the main counter and got me a road map of Utah. She gave it to me free of charge. She said, “take some time and pick a route before you take off into the wild, blue, nowhere.” “Control your journey, or you never know where you’ll end up!” 

Those were wise words I needed to hear… She put my few grocery sacks in the basket, gave me a little squeeze and wished me luck. She told me these types of “road trips” are good for the soul. Then she winked at me and we both snickered. How did she know I needed a map? How did she know I was on a 'road trip'? How did she know to direct me to “slow down?” Divine intervention again? You be the judge…

I did take her advice and sit out in the truck, in the parking lot for a minute. I was looking over the map and plotting my attack as she had suggested. A part of me wanted to circle down around through Moab and Blanding. But, that was extremely far for me without my co-pilot. Mr. Mooch, my best friend, my big, white, Great Pyrenees whom I had left at home. So, I decided I would wind up to the Buckhorn Draw of the San Rafael, I decided I would explore the South side of the Interstate. I took the Temple Mountain / Sinbad loop. It was a dirt road all the way and dirt roads are where me and my pickup are the most comfortable. I don’t know what it is about me and dirt roads. I can’t describe it… I feel calmer, safer and more at home rolling slowly on the dirt for some reason. I think it gives me a calmness, not to be so rushed. It’s challenging and an adventure.

The route I chose was a good choice. The desert landscape was AWESOME. Plus, I got lucky and seen the wild horses and burrows… I grew up exploring the San Rafael desert and now, I realize, I needed to go home. A trip across the San Rafael was the “coming home” experience I needed to fulfill… It was familiar territory, albeit in the middle of nowhere. I was at ease with this choice, so I just went with the flow…

I took some time in one spot by Temple Mountain to wander. I’m a wanderer... Perhaps, it’s a few drops of gypsy blood in me. Maybe, it’s just a sadness and unsettled piece of me that wanders... I don’t know… I do know, that when I stopped the truck, something greater than me made me make a promise to me. I promised myself as I got out that I would stay within visual site of the truck. I would contain that need I feel to see what’s around every corner and over every hill. I would wander responsibly out there in that vast landscape. I actually repeated out loud to me, “The goal here is to find your self, not lose yourself forever.” 

That is not a phrase I’ve ever spoken. It came from somewhere greater. Whomever was directing this adventure is the one who whispered it in my ear and made me repeat it. It became my slogan for this trip. It was divine intervention setting rules for the game. It was something slowing me down…

There is a possibility of losing yourself forever in a place like that. From time, to time, you hear sad stories on the news of people who never come back and were never found. I think they just forget, or they weren’t brave enough to tell themselves on their journey that “The point of the exercise is to find your-self, not lose your-self forever.” Maybe they forgot to ask for guidance, for help? Perhaps, they do go on their trips with the goal of losing themselves forever, I don’t know… I know my intent wasn’t to get lost any farther out there than I am, once my mind made that “U-Turn” and I took a deep breath... My new purpose was to find Jen, not lose her forever…

As I was coming around a corner, a few miles out from Temple Mountain, there was a newer model Ford Mustang sitting on the far side of a wash. I’m not sure what the guy was thinking, but there was no way he was going to make it through the washout in that sports car without a shovel. I stopped – I always have a shovel and he needed it desperately. We got to work patching up the holes and crevices with dirt and rocks, so he could make it through in his car and back to the main road I was on. I asked him what possessed him to take that side road in that car and how he got to right there. He told me he started in Capitol Reef National Park. He said he took a wrong turn. I suspect the wrong turn he took was on purpose, from the sad look on his face and he just hadn’t realized what he was getting himself into out there in the desert, all alone…

He needed me at that place and time and it must have been part of a greater plan to put me in that spot, at that moment, just for him… It would have been a long trip back to where he had started, if I had not stopped with a shovel, for that Mustang in peril…

I continued to wind my way past Goblin Valley State Park and into Hanksville, UT. Then turned up through Cainsville and I intended to slowly meander my way into Capitol Reef National Park. Capital Reef sort of draws in the lonely. I don’t know if it’s the towering cliffs, the serenity, the sound of the river and the breeze ~ there’s just something about it that draws in the lost…

 I came around a corner and intended to pull over and get some water out of my cooler, but for a really odd reason, coming out of the spot I was pulling into, was the same Ford Mustang. He waved… I waved back… I sort of wondered if I had a stalker, but he was in front of me. I then wondered if he thought he might have a stalker and I chuckled to myself… Sometimes, life just puts us in each others way. Sometimes, we realize it – sometimes we are oblivious to it, I suspect…

I continued my journey… This was a strange mission I was on and I knew, for some reason, deep inside, that I was heading in the right direction. I kept telling myself to just keep an open mind, to let “the Universe” guide me and not fight it. I found myself talking to my Grandma a lot. She passed away the year prior. I miss her so much. She was my human best friend (Mooch will always be my BEST FRIEND)... I realized I never gave myself any time to grieve her passing because it would make me miss her. And this road-trip, in a lot of ways, was just to be with her.

Anytime I felt an overwhelming fear, or unrest, or negative thought, I would quietly, but verbally ask her to guide me. I kept checking, to make sure she was there… I would ask her to give me a sign. As if to reassure myself I wasn’t all alone. I would whisper things like, “Grandma, I just need a bit of reassurance right now… If you are still here, please wash a feeling of peace over me.” And, a feeling of peace would envelope me… I asked her to give me a sign she was still with me and have an eagle fly over me, turn around and come back toward me. A big eagle came soaring over me and flew behind me, turned around and flew over me… I asked her to have a bird fly over me and yell to me. A raven flew over me while I was sitting high on a rock thinking about life and it landed below me and let out a big call. 

That one startled me…!

Every time I made a request, she provided the reassurance I was seeking. And, I knew, with every ounce of my being that she was there, holding my hand, holding me up, traveling with me, and guiding my steps… I’m pretty sure she was my “divine intervention” because I had asked her to be. She always had a way of getting me back 'on track' whenever I veered off the road. She understood me, when I could never understand myself. I think she used to keep me 'grounded' more than I realized and with her passing, I was slowly spinning out of control...

I meandered slowly up through Capitol Reef National Park. I noticed a lot of things I had never taken the time to see before. Something happens to a person on a "mid-life crisis road-trip." Their vision becomes very vivid. Things that the general traveling public pass by, the mid-life crisis traveler notices with great wonder and stops to inspect…

It was early afternoon and a dear friend had been kind of reminding me for a few days to “Eat… remember to eat.” So, I figured it was a good time to pull over and take that advice. See, when I get lost in my own mind sometimes, my appetite goes out the window. I think it’s probably another form of self-punishment. A body needs the fuel to stay strong, but when my mental state gets to this point, I don’t think about my health, or fueling my body. It’s a strange thing. I don’t eat… I go days and days without food and I never feel pain, or hunger… It was time to force myself to eat something. Perhaps, it would rejuvenate my mind. I know it would take the tired feeling away and provide me more energy for my thoughts…

There’s a place in the park that would be a good place to pause for lunch… It’s a pullout along the route with a little trail to a waterfall. A lot of people are usually there, playing in the water, but I was hoping that it would be quiet today. That perhaps, I would get lucky enough for it just to be me… The route through the park had been remarkably quiet so far. The season of tourists was obviously winding down for the year and I had faith, I would get my wish…

When I rounded the corner, to turn into the waterfall pullout, there was the Ford Mustang again. A feeling of frustration came over me. Why would this car be here, right where I wanted to be? I felt that feeling pass though me quickly though.... 

I thought about going farther down the road. I wanted to be by myself in this depression, not share it with a stranger. I stopped myself. I wanted to be in this spot. This is the spot I chose in my mind to pull over and it wasn’t his fault he had the same idea… So, I did stop… There he was. The guy that borrowed my shovel to free himself from his mistake, sitting there on my rock, the rock I wanted to be sitting on…

I decided to just go with it. I got out and got some stuff out of the cooler. He glanced over at me and waved a big hello. I hollered over at him, “are you following me, or am I following you?” He laughed and invited me over to his rock, my rock ~it was just a rock Jen~… I took the food with me and went down the trail and up the rock. I took the time to grab two drinks. One for me and one for him… I just had a feeling we were on the same kind of mission and that he probably wasn’t taking really good care of himself either. 

His name was Scott – he was from Bountiful, UT… I asked him what ‘his journey’ was about… He told me he had split with his wife of 18 years and that he received the final divorce decree in the mail. He told me that he couldn’t take the pressure of his own mind any longer and grabbed the keys to head out wherever he could go, to get away from “life.” And, he ended up in Central, UT in the middle of Capitol Reef National Park. He asked me what I was doing. I told him abruptly and with a smile ~ “Mid-Life Crisis Road Trip,” and he laughed… We both noticed though, that we both had red swollen eyes from the tears we had been enduring in our journeys alone. We could see ourselves in each other somehow ~ we were quite a pair and both quite a mess~!  

We had a great visit over lunch. The time flew by… We cried a little, we laughed a lot and we talked about life.  I think I knew he was on the same kind of mission I was on, from the first time I seen his car. I think he knew I was on the same kind of mission he was on, from the first time he seen my truck. A little blonde lady, all alone, in a big 4WD, on a dirt road, in the middle of nowhere, is hard to explain. Just as a city boy, dressed the wrong way, out in the middle of nowhere, in a low clearance sports car, on a dirt road, is hard to explain…

We knew we were sharing the same experience and we were drawn to each other because of it. The universe gave us a second chance to meet, there in the park. I don’t think either of us was ready to share any piece of our lives with each other, down on the San Rafael while digging out a washout. We had the opportunity, but we just didn’t open up. Our second personal encounter was much more productive and I’m thankful we crossed paths so many times leading up to our conversation.

Maybe, it was the fact that we kept crossing each other that made us take the time – I don’t know for sure, but I know it was divine inspiration that led me to the water fall. This lost soul in the sports car needed to hear that there is life after divorce… I needed to hear that I wasn’t alone out here, going through “this” all by myself.

It must have been part of a greater plan to put me in that spot, at that moment, just for a stranger to hear he’ll make it through…It is bigger than us, how we are drawn to each other as humans, in a time of crisis. It reinforces to me the logic that “like attracts like” in good times and bad. And, that if I focus hard on the ‘good things’ and the things ‘that I want’… Good things will happen for me in the future…

I left smiling ~

I wasn’t feeling the depression and unease I had been traveling with up to this point. I was feeling adventurous and excitement starting to stir... For the first time in a while, I was feeling a happiness coming on.  Like I had released something there, in a conversation with a stranger… Perhaps, I was just able to leave something behind me for good, in that spot… Maybe, my future will explain it. Right now, it was just a spiritual awakening somehow… I was finding Jen ~ I just had to do it one step at a time…

I fueled in Torrey, UT and decided to turn south… I was going to go on the adventure I was hungry for. 

***I wasn't really sure why I was hungry for it at the time, but what was really happening, is I was attempting to 'cover up' my feelings. I was tired of being depressed and I'm either "Elated," or "Crashing" there's just no midddle ground with me. I can flip on a dime and I flipped quickly. It's totally unhealthy, but it's one of those personality traits I am good at~! 

It was time to get past beating myself up and actually attempt to find me… to figure me out… To spend some time focusing in my mind about what I wanted out of life. To put everybody else’s wants and needs behind me and just focus on what I wanted and needed. I decided to save myself...

That was a new step for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken any time to think about that. I can’t even be certain I ever have~!

There was still a kind of apprehension around me though, that would contain my new found excitement. Although, I was on a path of positive awareness, I knew there was a giant meltdown that was coming. It was going to be a meltdown that only I would be experiencing and I was going to have to go through it alone and it was coming at me at a high rate of speed. I knew inside, I had to take some time all alone to cry this all out. It wasn’t about tears falling down my face from time to time as I was driving down a lonely, quiet highway, or dirt road. It was going to be a meltdown that had to happen, to move forward. It was going to happen soon. It had to happen. I knew this… I had to take some time to grieve some things, to let some things out, to accept some things, to admit some things and to cry… It didn’t matter how hard I tried to hold it back, it was coming to the surface and it had to happen soon and I was scared of facing it. My attempt to mask it with excitement and adventure was fading fast. I was on a roller coaster ride and at this point, I couldn't figure out if I wanted to smile, or die. I was really high centered~~~

This new found feeling of excitement and adventure was me wandering again, even though a melt-down was lurking.. I realize that now. When I wander, I wander away from facing things... Maybe, it’s me running away. When I’m quiet and thinking on something I can’t figure out, or get a grasp on, or if something is bothering me, I find myself grabbing my keys and taking off. I think it’s me trying to outrun something I don’t want to face yet. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have an explanation for it, but a woman that can remove herself, without a fear of the consequence of being all alone in the middle of nowhere has a problem...  But, on the other hand, it’s a really great feeling of freedom to enjoy being alone with yourself. It reassures me, that I like being with me, regardless how strange my actions are. I’ve yet to assess if this is good, or bad. I just roll with it and don’t fight the urge... There’s a reason for it and I’m not ready to stop doing it. I gain a lot of perspective when I do this. I’m just not sure it’s the right action to take. Maybe, the fact that I self-diagnose it so much is just another negative thing I do to me. I’m not sure… This wandering brings me peace though, so it’s something I’m suppose to be doing right now. Actually, what it does is make me rely on me. I think, I rely on me too much though and I hope in the future that someone comes along that I can rely on more. It would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on in my future, that I could trust as much as I trust me…Looking at it from that perspective assures me that I really do like me, I depend on me, I trust me the most and that’s a good reassurance right now~ I drove up over the Boulder Mountain scenic byway. I was reassuring myself of this new positive feeling coming over me and trying my best to avoid the feeling of a melt-down that was just around my corner... For some strange reason, I took a big leap ~ again, with no helmet ~ and decided to head straight to “The HogBack”. I don’t know why I done this… maybe, a self-test, to see if I was moving forward, or something. Maybe, it was to distract me from my mid-life melt-down… I don’t know… The HogBack is a portion of Scenic Byway, Utah Route 12, just past Boulder, UT. It is here that the road tests your courage…  The HogBack is a narrow crest of road along a high ridge, with a drop-off on both sides, straight down. There are no jersey barriers, no guard rails, no room for error and the ridge is only as wide as the 2 lane road. It’s not a straight run across it ~ it’s windy. It’s like a tight rope act and that makes it even more exhilarating. That makes it an even bigger test. There are no shoulders, no emergency lanes and there is no way to avoid the view. You know it’s a long ways to the bottom on both sides and you can’t ignore it~! As I was coming into Boulder, the Indian museum peaked my interest and I had to stop. I had never been there before. I think my mind needed the break. To process the leap I was about to take. Through my tour of the museum, The Hogback was haunting my mind. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you one thing about the museum, I was engulfed in The HogBack pump up… As I was leaving though, I asked the counter attendant about the road past Boulder. If it was as bad as I remembered in elevation. She asked if I was scared of heights. I told her I was terrified… She said, “Well, The HogBack is going to test your courage then”… I was getting really nervous, but I was still determined to do it. I sat in the parking lot of the museum, in my truck for about 20 min. I needed some reassurance, but I had no cell service. Without being able to make a call to my best friend Pam, I was going to have to figure this out alone. Could I do it? Could I ride The HogBack alone? Again, I was spending way too much time diagnosing things. I tried to just focus on what was ahead of me, instead of the sheer drop offs I would be encountering. I could do it, after-all, I’m the bravest woman I know~!!! I drove slowly through Boulder… I ‘eeked’ my way up the incline leading to the big drop-off… As I passed the turnoff to Hells Backbone, I started to shake. I found myself going slower and slower in speed as I made the approach. I knew where it was and I knew it was coming… I was soon upon it and barely rolling. I took my foot completely off the accelerator and just coasted very slowly. I could see the ground on both sides of me starting to recede and The HogBack was in view… There is only one turn out before you’re committed. Once you pass that turn off, there’s no turning back. I was shaking so bad the back of my teeth were chattering. I couldn’t feel my hands and arms anymore and I felt like I was going to faint. Part of me wanted to just accelerate, to scream all the way to the bottom like a roller coaster ride and just get it done, but something came over me. It was probably FEAR, but maybe it was my Grandma, my co-pilot, taking over? Something removed me from the roadway. I don’t exactly remember pulling off and stopping, just that I was stopped and shaking. I was in the only turn-out and I was physically ill… I was just staring at my steering wheel – scared to look out any of the windows. I wanted desperately to be sitting back on main-street in Boulder, not out here on the ridge with my life in danger. I could hardly move my body to even put my truck in park, but I had to. I was terrified and completely out of control and I knew, I had a risk of fainting and didn’t want to roll off the edge. I was convulsing, shaking and trying hard to maintain my conciousness. If I didn’t get control of my breathing, I knew, I would pass out. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? I closed my eyes. I decided to meditate for a minute, to take me to somewhere safe and regain control of my body. I could hear traffic passing me. I didn’t worry about sitting there, at that turnout. Even though, I new I had a look of sheer terror and panic on my face. I just breathed in and out with my eyes closed and tried to relax myself so I would stop hyperventilating. I whispered to the Universe, “Thank you for nobody being right here, so I could pull over”… If someone had been parked in that spot, what the hell would I have done? No looking back Jen ~ just keep looking forward and give gratitude where it’s due… A sense of peace came over me after another request to my Grandma, to hold my hand and save me from this self-inflicted nightmare… Again, she fulfilled on my request. I opened my eyes and decided to focus. I knew, I wouldn’t ride The HogBack, but now, I had to get enough courage to be able to turn around… I had to regain control of myself so I could regain control of my truck and return to Boulder. That alone was a really scary thing at this moment in time. My truck is so big, it would require a 3 point turn, on this skinny ridge, even though I had the small turnout to utilize, one mistake could send me off the side. I had to do this in complete control of myself. I had to find the courage within me to make it happen. A couple vehicles went whizzing by me like it was nothing to ride the ridge. I felt like such a failure, but I also felt like I put my life in danger. How could I do this to myself? What the hell was I thinking? Do I ever think things through? Ding, ding… a text message came through to my cell phone. Who in the world would be texting me. Did someone know what I was doing to myself right at that moment? Who was I connected to that would send me a message at one of the most terrifying moments of my life? I took one hand off the steering wheel and fumbled for my phone. I pushed the button to retrieve the text quickly. I wanted to put that hand back on the steering wheel. The text read, “How are you today”… Wow, how do I even respond? Could I even respond? I was so scared of taking my hands off the wheel, for fear I would fall off the edge, even though I was in park. I decided to release the fear. I took a few more deep breaths and I was going to respond. I was just going to text it out there, to this friend who had inquired about me at just the right time. There was a car that pulled in behind me very slowly. I knew he was going through my difficulty, it was written all over his face. I was scared to even text, sitting there stopped. He was brave enough to get out of his car and walk up the ridge a little ways, to inspect The HogBack. I was proud of him, in a way. He was braver then me, but part of me was so jealous that he trusted himself enough to get out and walk up the road. As he turned to walk back to his vehicle though, he had my look of terror on his face. He was gesturing to his passenger, ‘no way” in his body language. He got in his car, turned around quickly and headed back toward Boulder. I was wishing I had that kind of courage, to turn around so fast and retreat… I was still sitting there, terrified of even moving.  I finally got a hold of myself and took my hands off the wheel…I texted back, “Scared… I was going to drive myself off the HogBack (between Boulder & Escalante), but I chickened out.” As I sent the text, another car crept in behind me, the same look of fear on the drivers face and that vehicle quickly turned back. “Hmmm,” I was thinking to myself.  “It was about a 50/50 success rate, riding the ridge.” I wasn’t the only one that couldn’t do it. There were a lot of us out here, scared of heights… Another text came in to my phone. It read, “Be careful. Does any one know where you are if you have trouble?” My response to that text let him know that of course nobody knew where I was. I was on another Jen adventure and he was one of my friends that knew I had this kind of an issue. I didn’t need to make up a story, or try to deceive him. He knew I was alone… His next text response put it into perspective, it ended with “Have Fun”… Wow, no scolding, no telling me how bad and irresponsible I am. That text message  gave me a sense of control somehow, that I was ok. It reminded me that I was suppose to be having fun. It let me feel like I was ok to be right there, even though I was petrified... I was still ok and I could do this ~ Have Fun… Have Fun….  I got myself into this mess, I could get myself out.  It’s funny how such a benign, text message conversation can have such a prolific impact on a persons self confidence at important times. The phrase, “Have Fun,” somehow gave me the courage to carefully turn my truck around and get myself back to Boulder. Praying it wasn’t too late to get a motel room somewhere…

Courage doesn’t always roar… Sometimes, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,“I will try again tomorrow…” ~Mary Anne Radmache

 You know, when I get through this period of my life and I become financially stable and settled. I’m going to buy myself a sports car, maybe, a Camaro…

And, I will be attempting this, “riding The HogBack” adventure again…

The women on my journey assure me it’s easier in a low profile car, to actually make the decent, than it is in a big old extended cab, tank of a pickup truck. And, if I can’t drive myself down it on my second attempt…Hopefully, I’ll have somebody I trust in my life that will drive me instead…

 (=

I got back into Boulder and didn’t know where to go, so I stopped at The Burr Trail Bar & Grill. I asked the waitress about accommodations in town and she told me she knew of a place and dialed a number on the phone, asked about a room and reserved one for me and then gave me directions on how to get there. It was called “Pole’s Place”. Knowing I had a room for the night bought me some time to sit there, calm down and get something to eat. The waitress took some time to talk to me about the dreaded HogBack. She told me it took her a few months after she moved to Boulder, before she could take that plunge to drive that stretch of road… See, it wasn’t just me that had issues with this highway. It was reassurance to me that I was ok. Reassurance that I wasn’t the only person on the planet with a fear of heights…

I checked into the little Inn after dinner. The lady that ran the Inn asked what I was doing there, where I was from, how many people, just general conversation. I told her, "that it was just me and my mid-life crisis”…  We talked for a bit about how I ended up traveling to Boulder, how I couldn’t bring myself to go across the HogBack and she suggested, before I left the area, to go take the trip down The Burr Trail. I had heard of it before. It was a high clearance 4WD trail that goes from Boulder to Lake Powell. She told me that they had paved 20+ miles of it and it was well worth the trip why I was here. I asked her about the steep areas. She said there was nothing like HogBack on that route...

I decided, since I was already here, I would do it. I would have my “emotional breakdown” that was really climbing up my back and I would go down the Burr Trail the next day. I sat on the porch of the little Inn and watched the sunset that night and it was one of the prettiest sunsets I had ever witnessed. I also had my emotional breakdown that night and I welcomed it. It felt good to get it over with… Then, I slept better than I had in a long time. It felt wonderful to get everything off my shoulders and just cry to myself. It was a great stress reliever.

I woke up really early. Not because I was stressed, but because I felt rejuvenated. I got dressed, put on my boots and decided this morning was going to be the beginning of my new beginning. And, I was going to begin it with an early morning hike around town and witnessing the sunrise. If the sunset could be so beautiful here, the sunrise would certainly be breathtaking. And, it was…

I walked up main street hoping the convenience store would open, so I could get a cup of coffee and then, decided, a new beginning was a good time to have real coffee and a real breakfast. I walked back to the Inn, got myself ready for the day. Packed up my things and went in search of a restaurant. I found a good one, on the Burr Trail, The Boulder Mesa Restaurant.

I was the first customer of the day, right at 8 am. The waitress’ name was Judy and Judy was unforgettable. She was an older lady, an implant to Boulder. She had a wonderfully warm personality and since it was so quiet still, she took some time talking with me before I made my order. 

We talked about the Burr Trail and of course I asked her about any steep areas. She was honest about alerting me about 2 steep declines along the trail that might scare a girl like me, that "pansied" out of the HogBack. But, she said, “Toughen up girl… It’s well worth the ride…” 

I could do this. Judy had faith in me. I had brought myself here for something. Some kind of adventure and it was time to begin it.

Judy said it wasn’t like the HogBack. It was different and it was worth seeing, so I was going to do it. I was just going to take it one step at a time. I was thankful for Judy. She told me what to watch for, so I would know I was getting close to the scary parts and they wouldn’t sneak up on me. She was such a kind spirit. She was genuinely, a really sweet soul.

I finished breakfast and I was eager to see what this grand thing, “The Burr Trail” was about. I headed out with a big smile, a lot of encouragement from Judy and a big Styrofoam cup of fresh brewed coffee for my trip. 

As I started my way down this amazing canyon, I could feel the anxiety start to creep up my spine again. I was starting to doubt myself about the 2 steep areas along the route. I was worrying about my dirty windshield, worried it may cause me to go off the edge. I was just looking for excuses to make myself turn back, but I didn’t. I kept going. I had to push myself through this.

I’ve been a lot of places and I’ve seen a lot of landscape, but this area of Utah is like no place I had ever been in my life. A painter couldn’t have painted a picture of it, to show its beauty. A picture can’t reflect how it is in real life. It is “Ineffable”~ meaning incapable of being expressed in words.

 It’s a spiritual experience, driving along this trail. It’s indescribable… Pretty sure at times, I could see all the way to the Arizona strip. It’s a huge vastness of mesa’s and canyons, with all the colors of the rainbow. It’s like looking into heaven. It is breathtakingly wonderful and expansive. It is a one of a kind place on the planet. I was so glad I decided to take this route, to go on this ride, but  I was going slow around every incline, every turn, waiting for something. It was lurking and I was getting closer. I could feel it coming. I could feel the faintness of my breath and the tingling in my hands. I was starting to shake…

I could see, we were running out of ground and the #1 decline would soon be upon me. Judy told me there was a pullout and it was big enough for me to turn around, if I couldn’t bring myself to do it. But she also told me about all the things I would see in the canyon, after the road wound its way down, that were worth seeing ~ to encourage me. 

I could see ahead of me what Judy had warned me about… Could I do this? Could I drive myself down this cliff? Judy had assured me that she thought I could, because it wasn’t a drop off on both sides, just one. She told me, “Hell girl, this early in the morning, the traffic will be so slow, use both lanes of the road, just do it, I have faith in you~!” 

~~~And that was my inspiration…

I seen the last pullout before I was committed and I rolled to a stop. I was shaking, but not convulsing like I was at the tip of the HogBack. I knew, if I continued, I had to do this, or if I turned around, I would regret it. It was hard to fight with myself about it, but I finally decided I would do this. I would drive myself to the bottom of this steep decline.

I pulled back onto the little skinny, paved trail. I started my climb slowly to the top of the mesa, where I knew the #1 plunge would begin. I dropped my transmission into 1^st gear, took a deep breathe, headed off the side and I DID IT!

Yes, it was terrifying and I was scared, but I did it. This was a milestone for me. Yes, I hugged the inside lane close to the cliff and it’s amazing I have a passenger side mirror, but I DID IT and I was proud of me ~ that’s the important part…

I stopped at the bottom, shaking a little, but beaming with positive energy for driving myself down. Then, I looked back up to witness my victory and an immediate terror filled my whole body...

I got my coffee and found a big flat rock to lay on. My problem now, was talking myself back to the top. That was going to require traveling on the outside lane, close to the edge… I realized, I hadn’t put a lot of thought into this.. Thank Heaven’s for small accomplishments and personal victories, but why do some of them come with consequences like outside lanes on the edge of a cliff?

I sat up on the rock staring up at that road with my hands tightly wrapped around that warm cup of coffee and I was absolutely mortified about driving myself back up. I wondered if I could pay someone to drive me back to the top. But, in reality, that made no sense. Why would I ever trust a stranger with my old dodge truck and my life… I sipped my coffee wondering what I had just done and if I had the strength to redo it, or if I was just going to become one with this canyon, forever and ever more… 

"Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do…”

~Benjamin Spock 1903-1998

To rebuild ‘my comfort zone,’ I sat on that rock for some time, watching the sun rise higher and higher into the sky. I looked all around me, at the beauty surrounding me. I was safe and ok, right there on that rock, right at that moment and I knew it.

I took this time to reflect back on my trip, to divert my attention from my fear. Maybe, this was a spiritual path I was on. Maybe, I was getting close to finding “Jen”… I wanted to know what this was all about, but I had no answers. Something in me though, was pushing me to go forward. I had to keep going. I had to at least make it to visually see the #2 drop off and maybe, what was beyond it.

I hopped in the truck, headed further down this inspiring canyon. It is magnificent~! Everybody should visit it once in their life. It is beyond describing… 

I got out at a “slot canyon” Judy had told me about and I took a morning hike. Again, I reminded myself, “the point of this is to find yourself, not to lose yourself forever.”

So, I stayed on the trail and I didn’t venture too far…

During this journey, I had been doing something I viewed as sacred and only for me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to share it here, but I feel this urge to let it out. I took a notebook and pen with me and everywhere I stopped to reflect, or cry, I would write down on a blank sheet of paper, something that was bothering me. Something, I wasn’t content about. In some places, I was stopped for what seemed like an eternity writing page after page. In some places, there was only one word on the paper.

When I was done with my reflections, I would tear the page out of the notebook, fold the paper up neatly and leave it under a rock. But, I would also find a similar rock, in the same location and take it with me, for my rock garden. I was leaving my worries behind me ~ literally. Every time I would do this, it made me feel a little better… Like I was carrying a lighter burden somehow…

As I would put the rocks in my truck, I was using a horse hoof file to scratch the date and location where I picked up each rock. I done this so I would remember some day, the dates I had experienced my first “mid-life crisis road trip.” And perhaps, it would serve as a reminder in the future, that I do make it through these things.

All you need is deep within you waiting to unfold and reveal itself… All you have to do is be still and take time to seek for what is within and you will surely find it…

~Eileen Caddy

I made many trips up and down this slot canyon. I had so much in me that was starting to flow out. Every time I would return to the truck with a worry left behind and a retrieved rock, I would turn around and go back. I would giggle, as I would pass a sign at the beginning of the trail that said, “No Collecting.” I think, I was the definition of “collecting” but only rocks. I was hauling those babies to the truck fast enough to take my breath away and leaving a lot behind me every time. Always a rebel, I suppose. Rules usually evade me, so do directions~!

Finally, the tourist traffic was starting to pick up in the canyon and my fear of getting caught “collecting” these rocks overtook me. I decided, before anybody found out what I was doing there, I should continue down the road. Hide the crime, so to speak.

<I’m giggling now, just writing this…>

   

"Progress always involves risks.

You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first. "

~ Frederick B. Wilcox

Down through the canyon I traveled, admiring the sandstone walls and the washes, the beginnings of arches and the rock slides, the autumn leaves and the smell of the sage brush in the cool air. But, the 2^nd decline was starting to gnaw at me and I was wandering in my mind, wondering if I could make the decent. I was like a yo-yo at this point, bouncing from excitement at what I had just done and the beautiful landscape I was experiencing. To the fear of having to drive back up the #1 terror ride and wondering if I was strong enough and ready to attempt #2. I was having a hard time staying focused. I needed a “reality check.” So, I pulled over in a scenic pullout and took some time to close my eyes and calm myself. And also, I had to test and make sure my Grandma was still with me, before I attempted my next daring feat of personal insanity.

Again, I made a quiet request of her and again, she fulfilled, to reassure me she was there. It empowered me to continue. Something in me was driving me forward, even though I knew fear and panic also awaited around a few bends in the road… I never had a thought of turning around though. That option was left on a piece of paper, in the slot canyon behind me and I was on a mission to see where I was meant to go.

Maybe, Jen was waiting for me somewhere in front of me. That was another driving force that pushed me forward. I knew she wasn’t behind me. She had to be ahead of me somewhere and I was determined, to bring her home…

I was anxious…

Where was it…

All the things Judy told me to watch for, before #2 were starting to unfold…

My heart was beating fast as the canyon started to close in on it-self. That was one of the warning signs… I reassured myself that there was a pull-out, I could retreat, before the decent. That knowledge moved me forward. The object was to get there, to peek at #2, before I made up my mind…

The road started to climb again in elevation and I know well that what goes up must come down. I was getting really close and I was starting to slow way down. With every corner I turned, I wanted to close my eyes, in case it was there. But, I was smart enough to keep my eyes glued to the road. Afterall, my fear was in going over. Doing it with my eyes shut would prove my insecurity…

It was closing in…

I could feel it…

Goose bumps started climbing up my back and the hair on the back of my neck was standing up. I was shaking a bit and I wasn’t blinking my eyes. They were getting dry. I was in panic mode... I didn’t dare take my eyes off the impending and approaching target. I could see a bright light coming before me... I knew it was where this canyon ended and the next part of the journey began… It was #2 and it was right there…

I went up over an incline and the tight canyon immediately opened up into this expansive vastness. All I could see were mesas and canyons for miles and miles. In all directions there was this openness. This huge expanse… The light was really bright, I squinted my eyes and ~~~

I was Terrified…!!!

<To be continued...>